Confessions of a cyber-love novice
By STACY HUGGINS | February 7, 2007
 |
Instead of retreating to a bar seeking libation and possible flirtation, e-dating now lures us to our glowing screens where we log on to sites like Match.com and are greeted by 12 singles smiling back at us. The games begin as we quietly scrutinize potential suitors while we’re free to pick our noses and scratch our asses.
Because of how my TV-infused psyche is set up, I have always had an idealized view of finding love. But, at 28, I know what I’m looking for, and running into a tall, single guy in Rhode Island that also shares my musical taste is highly unlikely. Especially in our tiny Ocean State, where single women outnumber single men and the percentage of those single men still living with their parents is staggering.
A month on Match.com for this cyber-love novice has felt like playing a complex game of tennis where the ball is volleyed back and forth to opposing sides of the court. Some have a strong serve but fail to keep the game interesting. Others, just drop the ball mid-match. And then there are those that will go to any length to score extra points while displaying triumphantly bad form.
Cyber matchmaking brings with it new rules of engagement; a strong command of the English language is key — never before could your grammar and spelling stop you from getting laid. One of my first messages from a guy on Match.com read, “Would you like to start excahnching e-mails?” (Honey, please). I know, sending that first message to a prospect can be daunting. That’s why many prefer to send a “wink”, or what I call the “lazy man’s volley”. In a virtual world, however, words speak louder than winks.
Once you’ve scanned a profile and pictured yourself in the idyllic landscape of their latest vacation shots, it’s time to compose your first serve. Your opening message is the first chance at scoring some points with someone you’re interested in. Most potential suitors commented on my 5-foot-11-inch frame with opening lines like, “Hey, how’s the weather up there?” (zero points), or “You know, with a little effort and a lotta hair gel I can be 6 ft. tall!” (OK, a few points.) My personal favorite, from a sweet, older gent read, “If, by chance, you fall on your head and decide you like older men, do let me know.” The most commonly used first serve is the carefully crafted message, the one that produces beads of sweat on the pursuer’s brow, that is copied and pasted into an e-mail blast targeting every hottie in the tri-state area.
Also note well, your words should be chosen wisely because unfortunately in this arena, your advances can be forwarded to members of said hottie’s camp for further analysis and finger-pointing. A handy book on this subject is the recently published The Joy of Text: Mating, Dating and Techno-Relating, by Kristina Grish. We knew it was only a matter of time before someone in New York would tell us just how we should be relating to one another in this area. This guide, quite literally, spells it out for you.
The most memorable albeit desperate attempt to score points came from an eager Match date of mine who pulled out all the stops when he felt his game was slipping away from him. At first sight, it was very obvious that our friend had not taken a photograph since the mid-’90s for his profile picture showed a fit young man in his late 20s. The man I met that evening appeared to be in his forties wearing an Izod polo beneath a cable knit sweater.
After exchanging a few pleasantries I started to notice my date had an impressive memory — he had weaved his own interests into every facet of my life. It was if he had the details of my profile on cue cards. When he saw that none of these attempts were working and I was fading fast, he must have felt it was the time to step it up. He did so by telling me of his passion for karaoke before busting into a freestyle rap.
With one eyebrow raised skyward, I sat there at the bar and witnessed this white man in his early 40s, rapping to Snoop Dogg (fo shizzle mah nizzle, I kid you not). While he bobbed and weaved without skipping a beat, I frantically repeated to myself — “Please stop, please stop, please stop.” Upon finishing his rap, he said, “Bet you weren’t expecting that one, were you?” No, ace, I was not.
Endless blog material and comic fodder aside, this tool has proved to be a very efficient way to meet people. Among the eccentric and slightly unstable you can find some very attractive professionals whose lives are too full to wait around for someone to appear. If you’ve been incessantly reminded of your desire to meet someone this Valentine’s Day, give Internet dating a try. You may not find love, but you’re certain to gain colorful stories. For the gentlemen — if the ultimate score in this game is love — please wear a shirt in your profile pic and remember the username BIG DOG will not score you extra points.
Topics:
Lifestyle Features
, Culture and Lifestyle, Snoop Dogg, Relationships, More 
, Culture and Lifestyle, Snoop Dogg, Relationships, Dating, Stacy Huggins, Less 
