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Warrant's "Cherry Pie" is a possibility in our poll
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VH-1, that paragon of list-making, recently set out to find the greatest lyric of all time. And after their exhaustive poll, which included asking Jon Bon Jovi and Noel Gallagher for their two cents, they discovered that "One" by U2 featured the best lyric: "One Life / With Each Other / Sisters / Brothers" was number one, followed by the words of the Smiths, Nirvana, the Who, Radiohead, Marvin Gaye, Eminem, Bob Marley and, er, Coldplay and Robbie Williams (not in that order.)
And all that's fine, and some of them were really good choices, giving us hope for America. But where was Ol' Dirty Bastard!?
Anyway, as we are fond of doing, we'd like to give the opposing view. And after you all complained so loudly about not being able to give your two cents and vote for the 100 Unsexiest Men in the World list, we’ve compiled some of our favorite nominations (from polling Phoenix music editors and writers) of some of the worst lyrics of all time, in no special order. These are just the nominees for the worst lyrics ever. We're leaving the voting to you. And you can use the comments to write in your own suggestions -- we're sure there are plenty we're missing. Results of the voting will appear in the future in this space.
To clarify, we're not indicting these songs, necessarily. Some of them are good. And also, we're not saying the entirety of these songs' lyrics are bad - just these specific lines we're singling out.
And, before everyone starts in on us: yes, we know, it's hard to write a song, we've never written any popular songs, these people sleep with beautiful women and/or men, yadda yadda yadda. Right, we're aware. Save the keystrokes, Mr. Aiken.
Warrant, "Cherry Pie"
“Swingin' in the living room / Swingin' in the kitchen / Most folks don't / 'cause they're too busy bitchin' / Swingin' in there 'cause / She wanted me to feed her / So I mixed up the batter / And she licked the beater.”
The reason most people don’t swing? Because they’re too busy bitching. Makes sense to us.
LFO, “Summer Girls”
“New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits / Chinese food makes me sick/And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer.”
We would print out the whole song, but we threw up after rhyming “speakin’” with “Alex P. Keaton.”
Avril Lavigne, "Sk8r Boi"
“He was a boy, she was a girl / Can I make it any more obvious.”
M’am, could you make it a bit more obvious? We’re not all sophisticated like y’all Degrassi-watching Canadians. By the way, it's been pointed out before, but we've never known a "Sk8tr Boy" who had anything resembling girl trouble.
311, "Down"
"'Cuz we're dope and change like a chameleon / and my channel whenever that whack show Real Worldis on"
We put this on the list only to defend the honor of Judd Winick.
Eminem, "Ass Like That"
"I ain’t never seen an ass like that / The way you move it, you make my peepee go DOING DOING DOING"
We think one 'doing' would have sufficed, no?
Train “Drops of Jupiter”
“Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation /The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me”
First we’re travelling in space all fine and dandy, then he starts name-dropping fads from the year 2000 as if it’s a VH1 special and he’s Hal Sparks. Soy Lattes? Tae Bo? Yes, Venus did blow our minds.
Spice Girls, “Wannabe”
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”
Ok, no guy is going to say no to that (at least if Gerri turned the lights off.)
“Make it last forever friendship never ends”
Okay, girl power, we get it. Don’t really see how it has anything to do with us guys, but fine.
“If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give”
Alright, now it’s getting a little annoying. I’m fucking all four of your friends, like you told me to in the first line. What else do you want?
"Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.”
Slam your body down and zigazig ah, indeed. And yeah, we know, 1996 called and they want their jokes back.
Bruce Springsteen, "Glory Days"
"He could throw that speed ball by you / make you look like a fool"
Bruce, we hate to bring this up, because we think you're great and everything, and it might sound a little nitpicky and all, but it's just that . . . um . . . well, a fastball is what Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson throw and a speedball is what John Belushi took to kill himself. Unless you were trying to make a prophetic comment about Doc Gooden's career, in which case you did a great job.