Hey, lonely hearts. Not getting laid? Don’t sweat it; apparently nobody in Boston is. At least, that’s what the New York City Department of Health would have you believe.

A new Web site launched to promote the NYC Condom — the country’s first love glove distributed free by a city — features cutesy animations designed to make condoms look sexy. The seemingly innocuous montages of “thought bubbles” gurgling out of buildings exclaim things like “Faster, faster!” and “Yes! Yes! Yes!” in Spanish and other tongues, since apparently the NYC Condom is “the condom that speaks all languages.” Tell me something, NYC Department of Health: does your condom speak Southie? Because one cutesy thought bubble declares, “I hear Boston had to give up on sex!” To which another replies, “Boston had sex?!” When Sully sees that I’m pretty sure he’s going to say, “I’m gonna pahk my cah right up yer fackin’ ass, dood.”

I ask you: are we, as a collective city, failing to hit it? Or is just that we’re classy and discrete, and prefer not to schtup and tell? I mean, come on, New York. Just because we won’t have sex with you doesn’t mean we won’t have sex! You’re dirty, New York, a dirty, dirty city. We don’t wanna stick our junk all up in that stink. We might catch something, even with the protection of your stupid condom.

Did you know that your own New York magazine noticed that the NYC Condoms fall a little — short? Stubby, even. According to their measurements, the NYC Condom is smaller — shorter and narrower — than standard brands like Durex and Trojan-EZ. The Health Department insists that its condoms are standard-issue LifeStyles lubricated jimmies. But we’ve gotta wonder; why so small, NYC, and why so . . . snippy? Could it be that you’ve got a little city envy?

On the Web
NYC Condoms: //www.nyc.gov/health/condoms