Kanye anoints "Chosen One," plagues descend upon Twitter

Kanye West's online activity is weird and erratic. Just like the self-appointed king of awesomeness himself. The messiah of all that glitters recently stood up from his diamond-encrusted throne, set down his golden chalice of talent-juice and took a moment to survey his kingdom. His subjects gaped up at him through thankful, teary eyes, hands raised beseechingly, and waited. And thus spoke Lord Kanye, "I pronounce you my own chosen one." And so it was. And it was good.

But not all that good, actually, because when Kanye arbitrarily chose a single man to follow on Twitter, it really just turned out to be a pain in the ass for the guy. Kanye, who recently made his triumphant return to social media with a flurry of nonsensical and, frankly, boring tweets that included the trials of home décor, really got the old gossip-mill grinding when he picked his first (and only) person to follow on Twitter. (He already has over 300,000 of his own followers.) So whose tweets did he find so clever, so brilliant, that he deigned to read something aside from his own Google search results? Was it Jay Z, perhaps? Or maybe Lady GaGa, just for costume ideas?

Nope. The only person that @kanyewest follows is @ste_101, a handle belonging to a totally random dude from Coventry, England. Apparently, Steven Holmes somehow piqued West's interest when he commented on a twitpic of West's sparkly grill. Holmes had a (sincere) query about dental hygiene (what is the proper protocol for cleaning a diamond-encrusted grill?) that West actually answered. Yea, it's weird.

Kanye added the delighted Holmes as the sole beneficiary of his online interest, tweeting that "You are the chosen one dun dun dun dun." Over 1,000 of his own devotees followed suit, believing that Holmes had something they must want. But they were wrong, and after the poor Brit was ceaselessly harassed for somehow catching West's fleeting attention, Holmes tweeted that he was turning off his phone. A sad end to a tale that began so epically.

(Plain old toothpaste, by the way, is the best way to clean your oral bling. Who woulda thunk it all? Probably not Holmes.)